Funk on HEMA: A Podcast That No One Asked For (SG 176)

Note: This is an April Fools parody.

Have you ever wondered what it was like to fight people with swords in the olden days, before people invented guns, or just talking things out? Me neither. But in this episode, I look into HEMA which stands for Historical European Martial Arts, even though it’s not just one martial art, and most of the people doing it are alive and not historical at all.

I also investigate something called “Destreza”, which is like regular fencing but with more maths and fewer friends. Along the way, I speak to experts who dress like medieval crash test dummies, try not to get stabbed, and explain why hitting someone with a metal stick is actually educational. It’s all very informative, or at least it tries to be.

In eigener Sache

Schwertgeflüster ist ein Podcast von Alexander Fürgut und Michael Sprenger. Alexander ist Trainer und Mitgründer der Schwabenfedern Ulm, Autor von Der Schielhau im Detail und ficht Langschwert und Rapier. Michael ist Trainer und Mitgründer vom Fencing Club Dresden und ficht vor allem Langschwert.

Dir gefällt der Podcast? Dann unterstütze uns auf auf Patreon oder lass uns eine Bewertung da. Du findest uns auch über unsere Website, bei Facebook, Instagram, YouTube sowie Spotify und überall sonst wo es Podcasts gibt.

Du hast Anmerkungen zur Folge, Themenvorschläge oder möchtest als Gast in den Podcast kommen? Dann schreib uns an post@schwertgefluester.de oder komm auf den Schwertgeflüster Discord-Server.

Transkription

00:05
History. It’s like the past, but longer. And while most people have moved on to modern sports, like football, underwater rugby, or competitive eating, some people insist on keeping history alive in the most stupid way possible, by hitting each other with swords they bought on the internet. Have you ever wondered what sword fighting was like 500 years ago? No? Neither have I. Welcome to Funk on H-E-M-A.

00:35
A podcast where I investigate the ancient art of swinging metal sticks at people while dressed like a medieval beekeeper. Right, so, the modern H-E-M-A scene. HEMA stands for Historical European Martial Arts, which sounds like something knights used to do, and they sort of did. Except now it’s mostly people in fencing masks, whacking each other with swords while pretending they’re in Game of Thrones. But they’re not, because no one gets stabbed in the stomach and then comes back five seasons later.

01:05
Kima’s all about learning old fighting techniques from books, which are basically ancient instruction manuals. It’s like doing kung fu, but instead of a wise old master, you’ve got someone squinting at a medieval manuscript going, I think this bit says stab them in the dick. To help me understand why anyone does this, I spoke to two so-called experts.

01:33
Right, so, HEMA. It stands for Historical European Martial Arts, which is a fancy way of saying fighting, but let’s read a book first. People who do HEMA claim they’re reviving long-lost fighting techniques from ancient manuals. It’s like archeology, but instead of digging up pottery, they dig up ways to get concussed. To explain more, I spoke to my first guest, a real-life H-E-M-A instructor. So, I’m here with…

02:02
What’s your name again? Michael. Just Michael. No fancy knight name? No Sir Hitsalot or Lord of the Lumpy Forehead? No, just Michael. Right. Michael, you’re a HEMA instructor, which means you teach people how to fight like it’s the 15th century. Is this like LARPing, but with more lawsuits? No, not really. LARPing is role play. HEMA is based on real historical techniques.

02:28
We study actual fight manuals written by fencing masters and wear protective equipment. LARPers fight with foam weapons and get to yell magic spells at each other. Do you think HEMA fighters are jealous because their only magic spell is screaming in death before getting double hit? Or do you think HEMA people avoid LARP because foam swords don’t give you bruises you can brag about? LARP is a hobby in its own right.

02:54
But who needs magic when he can read original texts from fencing masters like Johannes Lichtenauer in the 14th century, right? Lichtenhu? Sounds like a country that forgot to exist. Lichtenauer. created and taught a system of fighting in cryptic verses so only his students could understand it. Oh, so Hema is basically trying to solve medieval riddles while getting hit with a stick.

03:22
It’s like escape rooms, but without the safety briefing. It’s actually a very effective system. Is it though? Because I’ve never seen a HEMA champion win a UFC fight or even a pub brawl. Well, that’s not really the point. Yes. Yes, the point is the pointy end of the sword. Everyone knows that. You know, my mate Paulus once tried to write his own HEMA manual. He got as far as step one, hit them before they hit you.

03:51
and then got stuck. He said it was because the rest is self-explanatory. But I think it’s because he spent other people’s money on the project until they found out and hanged him for it in Augsburg. Well, I’m sure Paulus was a great… Also, there is living history, which often involves recreating peaceful parts of the past. Do you think HEMA practitioners would join if someone promised them they could still swing swords while pretending to bake bread? No.

04:32
One thing you notice about HEMA people is that they all dress like stormtroopers who forgot their helmets. To understand why they wrapped themselves in this much padding, I spoke to another instructor. I’m here with Alexander, so you’re wearing a lot of gear, a big jacket, padded gloves, a helmet that looks like it’s for draining pasta. What’s all that for? Well, it’s for protection. HEMA weapons are blunt, but it can still hit hard, so we need padding to stay safe.

04:57
So you’re basically dressing up like a medieval Michelin man because you don’t trust your own sport? It’s a full contact martial art with tournaments at all. Safety is important. You know my ex Sean once thought it to be romantic to propose to me during a HEMA tournament. He planned to do it right after winning a match, but he ended up losing because he double hit his opponent. He still proposed. But it’s hard to take someone seriously when they’re kneeling in sweaty fencing gear while complaining about bad judging. I said no. Sorry.

05:27
To hear that? Right. And what happens if you don’t wear all this gear? You get hurt. Ah! So you’ve reinvented jousting, but without the horses, the dignity or the chance of impressing a princess? I mean, I would put it that way, but… I just did. So, HEMA, Historical European Martial Arts. It’s called historical, but people are still doing it. Isn’t that just now? Well, it’s historical because we are reviving martial arts from old fencing manuals.

05:58
Right, so you’ve got all these fancy sword moves. What’s your favourite? And does it have a really cool name? Or is it something disappointing like Diagonal Strike? I like the Wrath Cut that’s on now. Oh, Wrath Cut. So it’s not just a cut, but an emotional cut. Is the idea that you’re slicing their head and their self-esteem at the same time? Well, not exactly. Were all the cuts back then named after emotions? Or just the angry ones? Was there a mild annoyance cut?

06:27
A disappointed Dad Parry. Not really.

06:38
So we’ve established that HEMA is a sport where people read old books, dress up like mattress salesmen and hit each other with swords they insist are historically accurate. But the real question is, why? No one alive today has ever needed to win a medieval sword fight. Not even once. Not even by accident. So I asked my guests one final question. What is the point of HEMA? It’s way of connecting with history through physical practice. Right?

07:06
So it’s history nerds reenacting CrossFit. You need at least some athleticism to do the footwork. Now footwork. In sport fencing, they look like they actually know where their feet are going. In HEMA, people just sort of stumble around like they’re dodging imaginary puddles. HEMA footwork is very dynamic. Dynamic? So tripping over your own feet is tactical? Well, in a way… Is there an official strategy where, if your footwork is bad…

07:35
You just swing harder and hope no one notices. It’s not official, but yeah, that does happen. Do HEMA fighters secretly envy sport fences for their fancy footwork? Or do you just assume they’d trip if they ever picked up a real sword? I think both groups respect each other’s That’s very diplomatic. So yes, but you’re not allowed to say so. Why can’t you say it? Who are you afraid of?

08:05
Uhm… Yes? What I do Open up You were at a tournament! Oh god, they me… Fuck… No, that can’t be! I’m already in mid-30s! So tournaments? I’m way too old I’m just the real art! Fuck!

08:34
There you have it. In the world of HEMA, even opinions are a full contact sport. Right, moving on. Fencing. It’s been around for centuries, evolving from actual combat into various refined styles. Some like sport fencing focus on speed and agility. Others, like HEMA Longsword, focus on, well, looking like you’ve been thrown into battle with a wardrobe malfunction. But then there’s Distreza.

09:03
the Spanish approach to sword fighting. Unlike other styles which rely on brute force or frantic stabbing, Destreza is built around mathematical precision, elegant movement, and what I can only assume is a strong sense of superiority. Destreza fighters claim they use science to win duels. It’s all about angles, circles and footwork so precise that it looks like someone mistook their geometry homework for a battle plan. To explain all of this, and hopefully not stab me in the process, I’ve brought in a real expert.

09:33
A man whose name may sound familiar.

09:38
Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my fat… Alright, alright, we get it. You’re very dramatic. I am setting the tone. The tone for what? A revenge novel? We’re here to talk about Spanish fencing, not audition for a telenovela, or discuss your unresolved family trauma. It would be an excellent telenovela. Sure, but for now, let’s stick to the sword stuff. South Destreza. It’s known as the Spanish science of fencing.

10:08
Unlike other styles, which seem to be based on hitting the other guy before he hits you, Destreza uses angles, circles, and what I assume is some sort of geometry based black magic to win fights. Tell me Inigo, did someone just look at a Spirograph one day and think, this could definitely kill someone? Destreza is not just about circles and angles, it is a refined system based on principles of movement, distance and control.

10:36
It is the most scientific form of swordplay. Right, but you do actually fight at some point, yes? Or is it all just standing around? Looking elegant and drinking coffee? Of course we fight! With precision, with intelligence, with skill, we do not swing wildly like barbarians! Well, that’s a relief. But let’s talk about the move names. You’ve got things like the right angle thrust. Do you think you’d win faster if you gave them scarier names like Deathspin 50000?

11:06
The names describe the technique. The right angle thrust is a precise maneuver that uses a 90 degree redirection to… Yeah, yeah, but what if instead of right angle thrust you called it El Stabo Supremo? Would that intimidate people more? Only fools are intimidated by words. Right, but aren’t Destreza fighters also known for looking incredibly stylish while fencing? Have you ever lost a match because you were too busy looking fabulous to notice the other guy hitting you? Never!

11:36
The way you stand. The way you move. It is not just for show. It is strategy. It is- So yes, but you won’t admit it. Now, do you ever look at sport fences and think, bless them, they’re trying. Or do you save all your judgement for HEMA fighters who wouldn’t know geometry if it smacked them in the face? Sport fences are quick and disciplined, but they lack real combat application. And many HEMA fighters, they move like drunken goats.

12:06
Drunken goats. That’s an official assessment, is it? Yes, I have fought both. The goats were more predictable. Good to know. Now, Destreza is all about using angles to outwit opponents. So if your opponent is bad at maths, do you automatically win? Not necessarily. I’ll take it. One last thing. Your footwork in Destreza is supposed to form a circle. Do you think you could win against someone just by making them dizzy from spinning around so much? That would be a

12:35
graceful use of the artery. But could you do it? Yes. Brilliant. Final question. Do you think anyone in history ever invented a fencing style by accident? Or is Distreza the only one that looks like someone spent way too long drawing diagrams before picking up a sword? There are many fencing styles, but only one Distreza. It is the product of centuries of refinement, not accidents. Right. Well, you’ve been incredibly helpful, Inigo. I hope you one day find the man who killed your father.

13:09
So there you have it, HEMA. A sport where grown adults play sword fights and claim it’s educational. Will it help you in a real fight? No. Will it get you a job? Also no. But will it make you feel cool while swinging a big stick around? Possibly if no one is watching. This has been Funkon HEMA. And if you ever see a bunch of people in a park hitting each other with swords, don’t panic. They’re not dangerous. They’re just really, really into footnotes.

13:43
should have done a podcast on golf. At least they don’t wear mesh strainers.